The Lord Then Said to Noah " Go Into The Ark...."

As the weekend approached I had decided to push the envelope a little bit more. It was rare for me that I do a significant bike ride 2 days running. In fact it was so rare that it never happened.

Saturday 28th March was the Cottingham Road Club weekend ride. This had been billed as an "easy and flat 37 miles. "

Some hardy souls were contemplating doing the route twice so that they would break sweat. It seemed that there would hardly be a need to pedal at all.

One lap would be enough for me.

The following day, Sunday, I had committed to do a 38 mile ride with Phil a CRC member who couldn't make the Saturday ride.

As a result Phil was experiencing cycling withdrawal.

This is a worrying condition with the symptoms being a pale, pasty complexion and very poor judgement.  For example a willingness to cycle in any conditions was a classic symptom of someone suffering from cycling withdrawal.

The major player for this weekend was indeed going to be the weather.

The forecast for Saturday was for a very windy day 20 mph, SSW gusting up to 35 mph. Plus it was going to rain.  Sunday was going to be not as windy but it was going to rain hard from 10 am for 4 or 5 hours.

It would be pretty dumb to start a ride on Sunday at 10 am. We arranged to start at 10 am.

AND THE FLOODGATES OF THE HEAVENS WERE OPENED

Cycling over the Humber Bridge to the meet point on the north bank for the CRC Saturday ride, I started to worry about the weather.


 I didn't like the wind and together with rain it could turn things miserable pretty quickly. Prior to leaving the house I had checked the Met Office website.

It had a dark cloud with 2 drops coming out of it.

I had once been for a ride when 1 drop rain had been forecast and got absolutely deluged. Like I'd walked into the shower with all my clothes on. This was 2 drops!


" Hey C'mon " I started to give myself a pep talk.

" So there will be some rain and you will get wet. It's not going to be like the bible is it !?"

"What the hell are you expecting ? Noah himself from the Old Testament to come on the ride so he can take cyclists into the Ark 2 by 2 ! "

"Get a grip man, nothing like that is going to hap.....HOLY MOLY !! "

Sam Looking Very Old Testament

Sam was putting in his first appearance of the year on a club ride. He had started the beard last year and it had now become .......bigger. It also had the advantage of being an extra food store for him on the ride. He could store half his breakfast in that thing and then retrieve it when required.

"I've only done 40 miles on the bike this year" he said " So I'll be hanging on at the back."

Note To Self : Ask People To Look At The Camera

Yeah right ! This was a classic cyclist blag and no-one was falling for it. It was good to see him back.

Carol tried to have a go at me for giving her the title of "The Assassin" on last week's blog.

It was half hearted though as I could tell she rather liked it.


"I rather like it actually" she said. There I told you so.

As nick names go it could have been a lot worse. I decided not to share what the ladies behind the deli counter at Tescos call me. I am a creature of habit and I always get the same thing.

" 8 slices of cooked ham please ".

One of the ladies let slip to me that I was known as " Cooked Ham Man ". The weirdest super hero name ever.  "The Assassin" is a lot cooler than " Cooked Ham Man".  I will keep that to myself though. I don't want everybody finding out about that.

Later on the ride Carol said she was enjoying my blogs which was very nice of her.

" I will definitely be donating to the charity after payday" she said.

She said that last month as well ! I didn't make too much of a fuss though. After all I didn't want a bullet between the eyes.

SATURDAY ROUTE

And so to the actual cycling. The route would take us back across the bridge to the south bank, through Barton and onto Barrow-Upon-Humber. From Barrow we would skirt the villages of Goxhill and East Halton before going past the delights of the oil refineries and power stations at Killingholme. Off towards Immingham then and round to Keelby where we would turn round to head back to the bridge via Ulceby, Wootton and Barton.

There was a stiff wind going back across the bridge particularly going past the towers where the wind was swirling and trying to push you off your bike sideways. I had experienced a lot worse though and there was no rain as yet so maybe weather wise it wasn't going to be that bad?

Do You Need A Hand James ? Oh You've Fixed It!

James who was on his first ride with us had a puncture on the way to Barrow. Adam and Charlie went back to help him.

After I'd waited a long enough time for the problem to be fixed I went back also to see if I could offer any assistance. In the event I was put in charge of making encouraging noises.

I annoyed everybody flitting up and down the Peloton to get pictures on my GoPro until Mark pointed out to me that it wasn't actually on.

I hadn't deleted the pictures from the last ride and after 30 minutes or so the memory card had just filled up and the camera had stopped.

Reluctantly I had to delete everything including the first 30 minutes of this ride so I could start again. If only you could select individual files to delete on the GoPro I said to Mark.

"You can with the GoPro app on your phone Alan. Have you got the app on your phone ?"

"Er ..yes ". Bugger.  

RAIN FELL ON THE EARTH 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS

 

We had a stop at East Halton and that is when the rain started to come down enough for me to put my rain jacket on. As we went past the refineries we were now starting to get exposed to the head wind and the real unpleasantness began.

Shortly after we had crossed the A160 making our way towards Immingham we emerged out of the protection offered to us by the buildings, trees and hedges.
 
We were now on totally exposed ground and the wind hit us like a freight train and started to chop the group up into little pieces. It was absolutely howling.

The ride took a left turn onto Killingholme Road heading for Immingham. The wind was still ripping into us, strong and head on.                                                                                                                                                               Small groups started to form. The distance between groups might have been small but to get across on your own in this wind was going to take a lot of effort.  As I have a history of failing gloriously to get across to groups in front I had a go.

Ian, Charlie, June, Wayne and Sam were off in the distance. Sam ? Would that be the Sam that has only done 40 miles this year ? The very same.

So off I went and I just made it.

Heart rate maxed out at 187 bpm as I finally edged up to the back of them. There was nothing left to give after that, only death.

I have tried to get across to a front group before on club rides and just got on the back wheel only for them to speed up and break me in the cruelest of ways. Not this time.

We wended our way through the outskirts of Immingham before turning onto Stallingborough Road and heading towards the village of the same name. It was from this point that Mother Nature decided to go all in.

Down Stallingborough Road the wind and the rain was pummelling into your face.

Wayne The Wonder !

Who on earth would want to go on the front in such conditions ?

Who would be mad enough to stick 2 fingers up to Mother Nature and say " is that all you've got " ?

And who, most importantly had the legs to do it ?

The answer dear reader was Wayne. There was an unseemly scramble to get in behind him as he made steady and serene progress against the hostile elements.

More than once I thought " Should I do a turn ?"

More than once the answer came back "F *** that.  No Chance ! "

He went all the way down Stallingborough road into the teeth of that howling gale on the front until we made a right turn onto Keelby Road to get some respite from the wind. It was awesome and I told him so. 

He was indeed deserving of a flattering nick name. But what could I call him I wondered ? It would have to begin with "W" but what could it be ?.....I Wonder ? That's it !

THE FLOOD KEPT COMING ON THE EARTH

But Mother Nature was only just getting going.  As we progressed down Keelby Road she turned the rain up to 11.  It was now bouncing up off the tarmac and there were streams of mucky water winding across the road as we pedalled along.

 
The wind was now a rollicking cross wind digging into the side of your face.

Just to add to this cocktail of suffering for a short period the rain turned into hale and started to sandblast your face off !

For a lot of this stretch I was playing dodge the rooster tail.

In weather like this water is propelled skywards by the back wheel. It can happen even if there are mudguards fitted but it will definitely happen if there are no mudguards fitted. You all know who you are.

Whoever was in front of me I would try dropping back a little bit or getting up close or moving a bit to the left or a bit to the right.

It didn't seem to really make any difference. Wherever I positioned myself water would come in a perfect arcing trajectory and slap me straight in the face. But now I was so wet anyway, it didn't matter.

When we got through Keelby I felt like I'd just stepped out of a washing machine. I was saturated from head to foot. But on the bright side the torrential rain had stopped.

THE WATER HAD RECEDED FROM THE EARTH

After a little regroupment we pressed on towards Ulceby on the B1211 Brocklesby Road this time with the conditions starting to push us along rather than obstruct our every move.

As we approached Ulceby Wayne was setting the pace again on the front and who was that doing a great job of sticking with him after doing only 40 miles on the bike this year ?

Sam. Quelle Surprise ! I think you've been rumbled mate.

From Ulceby we carried on to Wootton and then to Burnham where we made our last stop.

There was a bit of banter going on with Carol.

I didn't catch it all but apparently she was " having a word with herself "

And so off we went on the final stretch to Barton. Nobody would be going round again that's for sure.

I even had a little dig on the front myself at one point but only because we were so close to Barton I could have freewheeled home if I blew up.

THEN GOD SAID TO NOAH " COME OUT OF THE ARK......"

When we got to Barton I peeled off to go home before most of the group came through. So I missed Carol having a puncture and Ian fixing it for her. That's a shame as I could have provided some real encouragement there.

As I got home the Sun peaked out from behind the clouds as if Mother Nature was saying " Time Out ! ".

I got showered and changed and went to Tescos to get some supplies. That was only the completion of Round 1. That had been 40 miles and I had really put some hard efforts in against the wind and keeping up with the guys at the front.

Round 2 was for Sunday and the forecast was even worse than Saturday! What would tomorrow bring? I pretended it wasn't happening.

Things were going really well with the cycling at the moment. I felt I was improving, getting faster, getting stronger. Maybe I could carry this improvement on into other parts of my life ?

Why should I keep on doing the same old things day after day ?

I went up to the deli counter. The ladies exchanged a knowing glance.

" 8 slices of cooked ham please love "................TO BE CONTINUED

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A Club Ride to Rival The Sun And The Moon

If you think about what is happening during a solar eclipse it is truly awe inspiring.

The moon passing between the Sun and the Earth casting its shadow across the oceans and continents below.

The movement of heavenly bodies aligning themselves to demonstrate to human beings just how puny and irrelevant we are.

Ancient civilisations would look to the skies in amazement and fear at such a sight. They would believe it was the end of the world, the portent of terrible things to come. Innocents would be sacrificed in an attempt to appease the gods.

If there was an eclipse, it was not a good time to be an innocent.

So after Friday's partial eclipse I felt that there was something special in the air. A feeling that I was about to see something that was rare, amazing and yet frightening to behold

And so it proved because for me, Sunday the 22nd March turned out to be a very good day on the bike.

PREPARATIONS AND LEAD UP

 

I did not cover myself in glory leading up to this ride. I cannot take my drink it is a well known fact. My usual consumption when in the bar is one pint for the night. That's right you heard me right one pint.

I Have A Drinking Problem

So Friday night was not a usual night when I went out with my work colleagues and had 6 pints!

Yes 6 pints. I have no idea what happened on Saturday it is a blank. I just drank a lot of water and monitored the colour of my urine.

I knew that the ride on Sunday was a 60 miler and it would be taking in the hill at Nunburnholme.

This hill was a killer and I had only been up it a handful of times. Added to this the chatter on Facebook was billing another hill on the ride, Worsendale Rd as even harder than Nunburnholme!

It obviously wasn't the smartest thing in the world to have got shit faced on Friday.

Come Sunday morning at least the weather was looking good. The temperature was forecast to range from 5 to 9 degrees with a light south westerly wind of 5 to 8 mph and sunshine.

I had the usual panic trying to find my woolly hat but decided to carry it in my back pocket rather than wear it. Just in case things turned out colder than expected.

Not fancying an additional 20 miles I drove over to Cottingham to meet up with the gang.

Ready To Ride

THE ROUTE

We set off from Cottingham and took the familiar path up to the top of Skidby Mill Hill and then into Skidby itself followed by the testing climb up towards Little Weighton.

Straight away the alarms bells were ringing as Carol was pushing ahead off the front. This was one heavenly body I didn't want to be seeing too much of today.

Carol is an enigma. One minute she is skulking around in the pack or at the back whinging about fatigue and tiredness. The next she is hammering off the front leaving a trail of broken cyclists behind her.

I think she may have been brow beaten into slowing down as these antics were altogether too early. There could have been some tutting in the peloton, it was that serious.

As you can see she is smiling, she knows exactly what she is doing. The boys have been gapped and the rest of the group is not even in the picture. I rest my case.

  ON OUR WAY TO MARKET WEIGHTON & POCKLINGTON

 

Firstly I must apologise to my ride colleagues for some of my manoeuvres during the trip. As you can see from the above shot I had the GoPro mounted on the back of the bike looking behind. So in order to get good pictures I would be dropping all the way to the back and then putting a sprint on to get all the way to the front.  That way I could be sure to capture everybody.

On my first journey to the back I came across Ash and Phil. This was like encountering Steve Ovett and Sebastian Coe at the back of the bunch in the 1500 meters. Just lurking ready to pounce.  Ash hadn't been out with us for a while and it was good to see him back.

Having chatted with the guys for a bit I made my first mad dash for the front.

Going down Burgate into North Newbald the fact that I am a rubbish descender was quite useful as I plonked myself on the front and let all the brave ones come past me as I covered the brakes.

Nothing to see here! Going slow to get my pictures! Nothing to do with lack of confidence and fear!

See the full Burgate descent below.

We got to Market Weighton where the group didn't cover themselves in glory rolling across a zebra crossing at which a gentleman was waiting to cross with his dogs. I stopped along with a rider I didn't know who apologised to the gentleman. No harm done.

Tony's Bike

Later I introduced myself to the rider whose name was Tony. I got talking to Tony who was on his second ride with the club.

His bike was eye catching. His "chain" was a rubber drive belt and he had a 14 speed hub gear on the back wheel.

Look at me talking about bike mechanical stuff !

The bike gave him an inbuilt excuse he said as it was so heavy.

I suspected Tony didn't need any excuses.

THE START OF THE HILLS

We went through Pocklington and then on to Bishop Wilton where we approached the first big hill of the day which was Worsendale Road.

My intention was to get to the front as the hill started and when the mountain goats of the group came past I could get some pictures of them. I chatted with Ian as we approached.  He said it was steep to begin with and then levelled off before going steep again.

"Just take it steady and you'll get up it no problem"

I decided to put to one side my plan to sprint up blowing everyone else out of the water. Maybe next time.

So as we went past the speed signs at the bottom of the hill the road began to kick up with a vengeance. I was at the front and holding my own. I was first !

Was that a grimace from Ian or had he eaten a dodgy egg for breakfast ?

Maybe just maybe I could hold them all off !

Ian turns on the afterburners and goes past. I later discover he had cocoa puffs for breakfast. Shit !

Still I'm second , no shame coming second to Ian. We are all still in that first steep section and grinding it out.






As we come to the end of the first steep section, the group is scattered all the way down the hill.

Gary has battled his way up to me and goes past with a cheeky wave to the camera.

Psychologically what does that wave mean ? It means

" I don't need to mock you now, it can wait till you get home and review your GoPro footage. Then it will be there for you to play over and over !! "


I am third. Still going well.

The first steep section is over and the gradient lessens. I get back on terms with Gary but unbeknown to me the gaffer has tracked us both down.

Adam has perfected the technique of climbing steep hills effortlessly. He maintains it has something to do with losing weight and continually challenging yourself to go up hills again and again.

No I'm not buying it. There must be another way not involving losing weight and hard work.

He goes past. I think I hear laughing. I am down to 4th !

Next up is Ben. Now here is a guy who literally has had time to have a cigarette and still get up the hill and catch me.

When I smoked I couldn't get up hills like this. I was 18 stone and couldn't get up. Period.

So now I'm fifth. But come on 5th behind Ian, Gary, Adam and Ben that's pretty good. Keep going !

The gradient has increased again and with it the torture levels. Phil has got me in his sights now.  He has stopped lurking at the back.

I don't mind being passed by Phil because you can see every pedal stroke is hurting him badly. If pain was a currency he would be a millionaire.

He can afford the ticket price to get past me and still have plenty left in the bank.

OK so I am down to 6th behind Ian, Gary, Adam, Ben & Phil but the top is in sight.

But where is Chris ? Chris has not come past me ! Do you know if I just keep going I think I'm going to get up here ahead of Chr....oh shit !

The lady on the left seems to be rubbing it in.

"You thought you were going to get up there in front of Chris ? Think again loser !! "

Final result 7th. Do they make podiums with 7 steps ? They should do because for me that was a really good effort.


Next time I will just follow Plan "A" sprint up and blow them all away !

For those of you who want to see the full unedited 8 and a half minute version of this climb then see  below :

LOST IN BISHOP WILTON

We turned round and came straight back down the hill into Bishop Wilton. A poor road surface is OK when you are going relatively slowly uphill. But that same road surface on the way down can be distinctly scary. I think my brakes were running red hot when I got to the bottom.

Maybe it's because I was concentrating so much on not falling off but when I got to the bottom of Worsendale Road I went straight on and didn't take the left turn into Bishop Wilton. Tony later said that he called to me but I didn't hear.

When I got to a T junction I stopped and turned around to see that I was completely on my own. I looked down at the Garmin and saw that I was still on the official route. I was confused. A frequent state of affairs.

I doubled back reluctantly because I WAS on the route. I went back to the left turn that was now a right turn and followed the road into the village. I saw my colleagues off in the distance and caught them up.


As a point of order though I feel I must say that I was not lost. Everybody else was.

GIVENDALE LANE & NUNBURNHOLME

 

Because of my excursion I was now towards the back of the group when we started up Givendale Lane just outside Bishop Wilton.

The Givendale Lane climb is just under 1 mile long with an average gradient of 8 %. Over the course of the climb though there are sections that are up to 13 %.

So now I was going to have to overtake people to get that all important shot of ride colleagues in pain or difficulty.

No there's no need to thank me everyone.


I started off at a steady pace and never changed all the way up. I have absolutely no ability to increase my speed going up a hill. Decrease yes, increase no. It is one pace and that's yer lot.

Once we got to the top we regrouped and then made our way over to Nunburnholme and The Hill.

On the way Adam said to me

"That's it now as far as hills are concerned there is only Nunburnholme left "

Ten minutes later, still some way from Nunburnholme, myself and Phil were grinding up another steep hill together. Phil indulged in some chuntering

"We'll have to have a word with Adam to find out what his definition of hill is. This doesn't seem to qualify ! "

I hear ya brother. This was a sentiment that would be repeated on many occasions before the end of the ride. There were some serious trust issues developing.

They would be brushed away by Adam

"Ahh this isn't a hill, it's a bump, an undulation. At the absolute most it's a hillock"

We reached Nunburnholme and started on the climb. I didn't really see anybody on the way up I was just in my own little world bobbing along at my single pace.

As Ian went past he said

"Well oiled machine Alan"

I'm not sure if he was complimenting me on my metronomic riding style or he just thought my bike had been decently maintained for once. Let's say it was the first one.

Also I must apologise to Nigel as he came past coincided with me starting to weave and our handlebars got a bit too close for comfort.

At the top we all regrouped and enjoyed the brilliant views.

Adam was talking to Dave about cleats. Dave who was on his first ride with us was using toe clips. Adam shouted over to me

"Alan have you got Shimano on your cleats ? "

I froze. A technical question about riding equipment. Adam saw my discomfort. He rephrased the question

"Have your cleats got yellow bits on them ?" Ah that was more my level.

"Yes mate ! "

To avoid any more questions I went for a pee. Then I returned to the group.

Standing there with an uncomfortable dampness in my pants at the top of Nunburnholme was pretty special. I had just done Nunburnholme in a record time and it was the third big hill on the ride. Normally I give everything on the first hill and that's your lot. I was having a blinder. In my mind I was a legend !

The full climb up Givendale Lane can be seen below

FULL GAS HOME 

 

We departed from the top of Nunburnholme Hill. Whilst there was still 20 miles to go my mind was focused on it being the run in for home.

There was a nasty kick up just before going over the A614....what are they called now ? ..oh yes . A HILL ADAM !!

Just over the A614 and heading back into Market Weighton the assassin made her move. Surprise surprise Carol went gunning it off the front.  We hung in behind.

We got onto Spring Road heading in the general direction of Etton. The group got a really good pace going down there as we headed towards the bottom of Kiplingcotes climb.

Mercifully we went past that turning and carried on into Etton where we stopped outside The Light Dragoon pub for a regroupment.


Adam asked if we wanted to split into 2 groups so that those wanting to give it the beans on the last few miles could have their fun.

"No No we'll all stick together as one group " came the reply.

Even as we pushed off again for the last few miles I thought to myself that this wasn't going to stay as one group. No way.

So off we went through the ups and downs of Cherry Burton and Bishop Burton with Phil coming to the front to push things along.

As we were approaching Walkington, Carol declared that she was totally finished and was now just hanging on. There were a few knowing looks exchanged. Nobody believed her.

When we went through the traffic lights at Walkington the group was strung out again and I found myself with Ian, Gary, Wayne and Tony. See, that bike's not slowing you down at all Tony !

It was just a matter of time before Ian gave it the beans. I manoeuvred myself behind him and waited.

Sure enough as we went up Coppleflat Lane on the way to the A164 Ian pressed the accelerator.

I on the other hand had to pedal like hell ! I managed to stick with him but going to the front and doing a turn was out of the question. I'm sure he didn't want me to anyway he likes being on the front !

I turned around and it was just me with Ian, the other guys had been dropped. Wow, I must be dreaming. I was in unknown territory now. I was expecting a nose bleed any second.

We turned onto the A164 cycle path and then down and up the final hill to Skidby. Have you got that Adam? The final hill was going back into Skidby !

As we were coming up that hill I heard a noise behind me. It was a deep groan of someone or something in the most awful pain. I turned round. It was Gary. Welcome to the party pal.

He had come across with Wayne and obviously given it everything. I don't think you are really trying unless some kind of noise is coming out of you like a groan or a whimper or crying. They all qualify.

Well done Gary, awesome.

From Skidby we crossed the A164 dodging articulated lorries and then ran down the hill into Cottingham and the finish at the Olive Gardens.

It was just a short wait and then everybody had arrived and there was photograph taking and banter and back slapping.

What a great day on the bike. 60 miles with some tough challenges and a great craic with the club. From a personal perspective I could definitely see an improvement now in how I was doing so I was stoked.

With the eclipse the weekend had started with an experience that could be a little bit daunting but ultimately was awe inspiring and magical. That's certainly how it continued with this ride.

I looked at the astronomical charts (Google) as to when the next eclipse was. When could I expect to pull another performance like that out of the bag ? The next total eclipse was 2090 !

Yep sounds about right.

To make a donation towards the vital work of ALZHEIMERS RESEARCH UK please click on the link below. Thank you very much.

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A Bike Ride With The Missus And The Inner Chimp

Showing My Mastery Of Time 
Lapse Photography

Every now and then something comes up that is more important than your immediate cycling goals.

One of those occasions is when the Missus says " Do you want to come for a ride with me ? "

For the record the answer is NOT :

" No thank you. The difference in our abilities is too great and I will not get a decent enough workout. This may impair my ability to achieve my cycling goals"

The answer is off course

" Yes please darling that would be wonderful "

One should never pass up an opportunity to accumulate brownie points that can be cashed in at a later date.

Annette was wanting to go for a first ride out on her new bike. Well I say "new", she had had it for several weeks but she was not prepared to take it out until the chances of it getting mucky had reduced.

Not Cool

There was a little bit of tension in the air initially as Annette felt I was dragging my feet or as she put it "pissing about".

I felt this was an unfair characterisation of the facebook thread I was participating in at the time. Also there was the serious issue of my missing woolly hat.

As my regular reader will already know, I love my woolly hat. I couldn't find it and I was trying to find it the only way I knew how. This was to repeatedly look in the same 3 or 4 locations that it is usually found knowing full well that it was not there. I couldn't understand why I was being unsuccessful.

Reluctantly I had to abandon the search and instead of a woolly hat to keep my ears warm I was forced to pull my ruff up over my head. Not a look I can pull off.

GUIDELINES FOR RIDES WITH THE MISSUS.

I love my Missus and she loves me let's get that out there right off the bat ( must be a few brownie points for that ) . However, I have learned that in order to make things go smoothly on bike rides there are certain rules that must be observed. Well maybe not rules, more like guidelines.

Encouragement could be viewed as patronising.Remarks like "Goooo-on love put some effort in !!" were generally ill advised.

Humorous remarks were also risky. One could soon find oneself down a comedy cul-de-sac.

For example we did the Selby 3 Swans sportive together in 2014. We started off at such a relaxed pace that I enquired in a light hearted fashion if she was doing a warm up.

This resulted in me losing many many brownie points. There was a veritable brownie point crash,
a dearth if you will of brownie points, there was a lot of red in my brownie point ledger, the
brownie points had gone and they weren't coming ba......well, you get the idea.

Finally any questions from the Missus about how she was doing should be met with a stream of unrelenting positive remarks.

THE ROUTE

The weather actually was not that good. The temperature was 6 to 7 degrees, it was cloudy and overcast and the wind was easterly 10 mph and gusting up to 15. Whilst the chance of rain was low it was murky and misty and the damp in the air made it feel pretty raw.

My feelings about the weather being miserable were reinforced as we pedaled across the Humber Bridge as I saw the first drop of liquid snot appear at the end of my beloved's nose.

There was a strange weather phenomena that we observed as we crossed the bridge. On the south side there was no damp or water on the ground. It was inhospitable but dry. As soon as we got to the other side the roads were wet like it had just rained. It was like someone had flicked a switch.

I hoped Annette's bike wasn't going to get too dirty. As I cast my eye over her fine machine I noticed her disc brakes. I have never had a bike with disc brakes.

" If you get a puncture is there anything special you have to do to take the wheel off ? " I said
"No it should just come off "
" Oh I thought you said you had to twiddle something on the brakes to get the wheel off ? "
" No I was talking rubbish"

Ok I must write that admission down, oh I just did.

Looking Good

We went through North Ferriby and approached the junction with the A63. Rather than take the overhead roundabouts we plumped for the underground cycle path route. Time for a picture in the tunnel.

Woman In a Tunnel

Woman Too Far Away In A Tunnel

The bottom shot is a rubbish picture of the Missus but the tunnel looks good in a weird kinda way. If you could smell urine now you would be there.

ELLOUGHTON DALE AND THE INNER CHIMP

We headed off for Elloughton and after some discussion it was decided we would go up Elloughton Dale. The Missus was getting used to her bike and there were a few grumblings about the different feel of the brakes, gears and pedals.

"I think it's me that might be the problem" she said.

This was met with a barrage of positive comments from me as per established protocols. You are not dealing with a rookie here you know !

Elloughton Dale - Don't Look Ahead !

And so to the steady but long climb up Elloughton Dale. I was specifically asked to stay just in front as a target so she did not look at the long drag ahead. No problem darling.

At the bottom the Missus declared she was keeping her inner chimp in check.

I had heard of the inner chimp from Dr Steve Peters ex of the GB cycling team. Annette had recently read his book.

I think simplifying complex psychological behaviours by characterising them as an animal or other analogy is a great idea. But couldn't he have come up with a better name ? Really ?  " Inner chimp " was just a rubbish name.

Keeping her inner chimp under control apparently meant that she was restraining her normal competitive urges to rush off too fast and too quickly and then blow up on the hill. OK sounds good to me....but inner chimp ? There's gotta be a better name than that

We made steady progress up the hill and as we neared the top I could hear her breathing starting to get more laboured and without thinking I let out some encouragement

" Keep going sweetheart we are nearly at the top ! " followed by
" It levels out just round this corner keep going ! "

We were really through the looking glass now. When we got to the top and she was getting her breath back she didn't mention it. Maybe she didn't hear me? I think I got away with it.

The Missus was quite stoked that she had got up nice and steady. In fact she was giddy and pumped

"My brain was telling me to slow down and stop. But I said "No F *** You ! Thanks for the advice but F *** You ! " "

Wow, good for her ! I wondered who she had been talking to ? It couldn't have been the inner chimp as he tells her to speed up. so there must be another inner animal in there that she was talking to.

Sounds pretty crowded in there to me. ( See Note 1 )

SWANLAND POGGIO & HOME

We rolled on down to Welton and then made our way back to North Ferriby.

I had my leg pulled going through North Ferriby about my signalling of hazards in the road. I seemed to be reluctant to take my right hand of the bars.

So if there was a hazard on the left you would be fine but if it was on the right you were on your own !

The Missus suggested rather than go back the way we came she preferred to go up Swanland Poggio.

Swanland Poggio is the name of a Strava section that runs from the main cross roads in North Ferriby up to Swanland.

We followed the same procedure as at Elloughton Dale and Annette went up sticking to my back wheel. I didn't even hear her breathing hard this time but once again I forgot myself and offered encouragement. She later told me she had heard this and the previous encouragement but had decided on this occasion to let it go.

There was a lot of oil on the road going up the Poggio. You could see the rainbow stripes nearly from the bottom of the hill all the way to the top. Whatever was dropping all that couldn't have much oil left. I pointed it out to Annette and it was on the right as well !

After Swanland we returned to the Humber Bridge and made the crossing to Barton. The strange weather phenomena was still in effect as when we left the north bank the roads were wet and damp and we arrived on the south bank to perfectly dry roads.

Pushing For Home

I pushed my luck at the end to get a picture of us together and showed Annette my mastery of  time lapse photography on the very first attempt or was it the second attempt ....or third.

REFLECTIONS ON A GOOD RIDE WITH THE MISSUS

As I went to work for my night shift that evening I reflected on what had been a good ride with the Missus.

Gratuitous Selfie

There had been no arguments, always a result. We had covered 23 miles which was a reasonable distance. I had got away with some blatant encouragement. We had both enjoyed it and I had amassed a tonne of brownie points.

I only hope I don't do anything stupid to throw them all away.

I took the handover from my colleague at work and after he'd left I thought I'd sneak an early sandwich. I got my work bag and rummaged around inside to find my pack up.........hang on what's this ?

It's my woolly hat ! Who put that in there !?


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Note 1

Subsequent research ( 5 minutes on google ) has shown that the inner chimp refers to the part of the brain that runs on emotions and gut instincts rather than making evidence based judgements. Hence the inner chimp can tell you to go too fast too soon AND to give up because it is too hard. So it is perfectly possible there is only one inner animal in the brain of the Missus and there is no crowd of animals in there. However it was a good line and I wanted to leave it in.

Ride To The Back Of Beyond

Go To Ulceby & Turn Left - Training Ride 53 Miles - 13-03-15



The End Of The Road At The Humber Estuary

When I woke up I didn't really want to do a ride. It was my day off and I was due to go back to work the following day.

I just fancied an easy day doing nothing in particular. I cajoled myself into accepting that I would go out and do a relatively short ride of about 30 miles. Just something to keep me ticking over.

That would fit in with my training plan wouldn't it ? Training plan ? Oh that.

I hadn't really got one yet. My training plan so far was that in March I need to be doing 50 mile rides at least once a week. When I get to April I would look at increasing it a bit. That was the plan. It was still a bit ...erm... loose.

Annette went off to work and slowly and reluctantly I checked out the bike then started putting my kit on but everything was at a glacial pace. I was hoping that something would come up, that something else would need my immediate attention.

But as time rolled on, nothing came up and then I was all ready to go. Bugger.

Where was I going to go ?  How far was I going to go ? I didn't really know the answer to these questions as I started pedaling.

The only route I had in my brain at this stage was that I was going to go to Ulceby... and turn left.

THE ROUTE

The weather was looking reasonable with a temperature of  9 or 10 degrees and an easterly wind of  10 to 12 mph. There was a caveat from the weatherman though, there usually is.  The wind was coming all the way from Russia (apparently) and therefore would be distinctly chilly.

So if it is possible to pedal reluctantly that's what I did initially starting off on Horkstow Road and heading for the village of the same name. Just as this road can be a beast if the wind is against you, if the wind is with you then it can be a pleasure to go down. And so it was on this day.

Across the A15, up the long straight road , down the small hill past the farm up and round to the top of Horkstow Hill. I was looking down at the Garmin and I was doing 18 mph and it was relatively easy. What a great start !! I wasn't kidding myself though. It looked like this wind would be hard to pedal into. But for now who cares ?!



Horkstow Road - It Doesn't Get More Exposed Than This

Over to Horkstow and then I followed the B1204 through Saxby All Saints, Bonby and to Worlaby. I really like this section of road. It is undulating and generally protected from the wind. It is just really nice to pedal down this road if you are feeling good.

At Worlaby I turned left to come back up the hill. I took it nice and steady as this was still early days on the ride. It definitely got the blood pumping though. I was now beginning to think " Just maybe I might go a bit further than 30 miles "




Worlaby Hill

Having come up the hill at Worlaby I took Middlegate Lane that leads under both the A15 and the A180 before depositing you at Melton Ross at the bottom of a hill.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH WOOTTON

Climbing up and over the A180 I then negotiated some reasonable ups and downs or more accurately downs and ups before turning right and arriving in the metropolis that is Wootton.

Perhaps, as on the Tour De France commentary, I should give you a quick tourist precis of some of the settlements I go through ? Let's give it a go.

Wootton is an anglo saxon settlement and is recorded in the Domesday Book as " Udetune ". Significant landmarks include the anglo saxon church of St Andrews restored in 1851 and the grade II listed Wootton Hall built in 1796. Thank you Wikapedia !

As I had come out without any food I wanted to get a chocolate bar for refueling. Pulling up next to a local "yoof" who was engrossed in his phone, I asked where the local shop was.

"Wootton doesn't have a shop you'll have to go to Ulceby"

Wow. No shop. "Udetune" is pants. Put that in Wikapedia.

So over at Ulceby I stopped at a local Co-op and spent an anxious few minutes inside buying a bit of chocolate hoping that when I came out my bike would still be there. Luckily it was.

A STRANGER AT THORNTON ABBEY

Just before the level crossing in Ulceby I took a left hand turn onto Carr Lane that turned my direction of travel northwards towards East Halton. Crossing the railway line a few miles North of Ulceby, Carr Lane turned into Crook Mill road and Townside delivering me to East Halton.

All the roads from Ulceby had been featureless straight country lanes that had offered me up for a ravaging by the easterly Russian winds that were now living up to their billing of "chilly".




Carr Lane - A Featureless Straight Country Lane

After East Halton the road took a westward turn which meant I managed to get the wind behind me again. The resultant increase in my speed meant that soon I was approaching Thornton Abbey, a bona fide local tourist attraction.

Thornton Abbey is a medievil abbey founded as a priory in 1139. The Abbey was closed in 1539 by Henry VIII as part of the Dissolution. Little of the original buildings survive to this day. The main interest lies in the gatehouse which is one of the earliest large scale use of brick in England. Wikapedia quote over.



Thornton Abbey - A Genuine Point Of Interest

Before I carried on I spotted a fellow cyclist having a break and a cigarette ( very civilised ) and I thought I would go over and say hello. I tried to strike up a conversation but it soon became apparent that the gentleman didn't speak any english. He smiled though and gave a thumbs up.

It looks like we spoke the universal language of cycling though ! 

ARRIVAL AT THE PLACE WITH NO NAME

Leaving Thornton Abbey I went through the village of Goxhill and after traversing the railway bridge I was on the super flatlands that would take me to the banks of the Humber.

Going down Ferry Road towards the estuary was more or less dead straight into the wind and I looked forward to turning round and coming back the other way. When I finally got to the end there were a few houses and the estuary.

Quiet and peaceful, it was literally a place with no name. Time for a little sit down and reflection about life, the world and everything.



Destination - The Back of Beyond



Pebbles And The Estuary

Turning round and going back to Goxhill was very nice, as expected, with the back wind boosting my ego and soon I was through Barrow-Upon-Humber and getting close to home and Barton-Upon-Humber.

ROUNDING OFF A 50 MILER

One problem though. If I went straight home now I would "only" cover about 40 miles. It seemed a shame to not do 50 miles when I was so close. So what could I do to add another 10 miles on ? The answer was to do a little circuit over the Humber Bridge to North Ferriby and up the hill to Swanland before circling back to the bridge and home.

It was bright and chilly going over the bridge and to my surprise coming the other way was the chap I had met at Thornton Abbey. He waved, I waved. That universal language was still working !



My Foreign Friend

The total distance covered was 53 miles. When I had started off in the morning there was no way I thought I was going to do that distance.

STRAVA ART

I got another nice surprise too. I like it when my Strava routes look like something recognisable. I have, for example, a route on the south bank that I do that when uploaded to Strava looks like a duck.

What do you think the route I did on this day looks like ? Can you see it ? Of course you can it's obviously the mothership from the film Independence Day. I knew you'd see it.




Mothership from Independence Day

What ? .....Don't tell me you don't see it !?


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