Der Panzerwagen

You Can Barely Make Him Out

Pulling up at the meet point in Cottingham the first thing that I noticed was Chris and his kit.

He was resplendent in Tinkoff Saxo camouflage kit which ironically made him really stand out.

I know what you are thinking.

Doesn't he look just like a German WW2 tank commander !

I know weird isn't it !?

Maybe this wasn't quite the environment for the camouflage to work. He wasn't exactly blending in.

Perhaps when we got into the countryside it would work better ?

We would see....or maybe we wouldn't.

I was due to start night shifts that evening and I thought I was being a bit of a tough guy going on a bike ride that day.

Not for me the comforts of a lie in or a lazy day on the settee getting my body ready for the self harm that is keeping awake all night. I felt I was proper hardcore !

That was until I learned that 2 of the guys on the ride had finished a night shift that morning, came straight to the ride and would be back on night shift later. If you lads want the tough guy prize you can have it. I was keen but I was not that keen.

There was a super turnout for the ride. Chris was trying to tot up how many before the ride started. I counted 23 and eventually counted myself to make it 24, duh !

THE ROUTE

This club ride was going to be a relatively short but circuitous route taking in North Newbald, High Gardhams and the hill up Trundlegate before returning to Cottingham.  To add a few miles to it I would make a return trip to Cottingham from Barton which would get the whole ride up to about 55 miles.

Chris was leading the ride which made his pseudo military attire quite appropriate. He faced a challenge to his authority though not long after the ride had started.

Leaving Cottingham we got onto the A164 cycle path and took a left turn onto Dunflat Road. Shortly thereafter we should have bared left to keep us on Dunflat Road to Little Weighton.

Keeping in the middle of a strung out pack to look after all the ranks and the cowards at the back, like me, Chris was unable to stop the front guys barrelling past the correct turn.

As a result we all ended up on the outskirts of Walkington well off the planned route.

To add insult to injury the rabble-rousers who had gone the wrong way then challenged Chris

"C'mon Chris this is your ride which way are we going to go now !?"

If it was me I think a firing squad would have been in order for this mini insurrection. But rather than shoot them a fairly direct route was decided upon to intersect with the original course and off we went.

"About Turn ! " Scene Of The Insubordination

Ok that's one solution I suppose.

Well handled Chris.

I think we could have shot a couple though as an example. We had loads of riders we could afford to lose a few ! 

I encountered Phil at the back in the early stages. The last time we went on a ride together he was wearing shorts in cold and wet conditions ( yes it was cold Phil ! )

This time not only were his legs trying to absorb vitamin D but he was baring his arms as well. Still no sign of any colour yet. Not a jot.

To be fair there were plenty more in shorts so maybe I was being a wimp. My 2 week window for wearing shorts doesn't open until July.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

 

To get back on track we needed to take on an extra little hill Common Road that would bring us out on the road to North Newbald. 

We were rather strung out and I decided to make one of my death or glory efforts for the front. 

Perhaps not too interesting in of itself but this gives me an excellent opportunity to show a video where I have finally figured out how to put my speed and heart rate data on the screen. 

ITS THE WAY I TELL EM

 

We Are Not Amused

Having narrowly avoided the death option above I made another cautious descent of Burgate into North Newbald.

From there we exited North Newbald by taking the  "easy" climb of Beverley Road and Walkington Heads. 

At the top we found a spot for a regroupment where there was a bit of banter amongst the ranks

Charlie Has Not Been Seen Since This Picture Was Taken

Charlie decided to take the risky option of telling a joke

" What's brown, smells and sounds like a bell ? "

"Go on then what is it ? " I said unwisely.

"Dung ! " said in the manner of a ringing bell.

Charlie laughed his head off whilst for the rest of us the tumbleweed blew across the road.

I presume the firing squad administered swift military justice as I never saw him on the ride after that.

 

CAROL ATTACKS

We moved on towards Bishop Burton and the group got some good speed up. The temptation to rip it up would become too great for one of our number.

Carol is known for her trademark sprints. I am beginning to recognise the warning signs now.

Sprint No 1

Firstly there is a mental softening up of the opposition. 

Carol cruised up to me like a shark eyeing it's prey.

"What is that bag in your back pocket Alan is it for your cosmetics ?!"



"No it is not my make-up bag Carol !" I replied in a slightly hurt tone " It keeps my phone dry" I added defensively.

Then as I was nursing my hurt pride after this jibe against my masculinity...KERPOW ! She was off.

Further mental softening up took place at High Gardhams. There was a 75 mile Cyclists Touring Club (CTC) ride on the following day

" Why are you not doing it Alan ?"

"I've told you I'm on nights Carol" then I added unnecessarily " It's not physically possible"

"That's not true is it ?" She said quite correctly " It is physically possible.....isn't it ?" There was a slight air of menace.

"Well yes, if my life depended on it I suppose I could do it......"

As I was mulling over my own inadequacies on the descent of Stoneknowle Hill back into North Newbald .....KERPOW !  ......" Come on Alan ! ". She was off.

" Come On Alan ! "

 Knowing it was coming was one thing. Doing anything about it was quite another.

TRUNDLEGATE

Before we got to Trundlegate, the last hill of the day, Ben said to me

"Looks like Phil is not feeling great today he has been on the back most of the ride "

I felt there was some sandbagging going on.

Sure enough as we started up the steep bit of Trundelgate a blinding flash of pure white came into my peripheral vision.

I looked over and saw the trademark pale exposed flesh of Phil's legs and arms going past.

It was like he was on an electric bike as he cruised by. I even looked for the battery pack under the saddle.

Pretty soon Phil was off in the distance untouchable.

I looked across to Gary and said "I've got nothing I can't go with that".

Phil Cruises By

Chris was also suffering but not physically, mechanically. His bike was playing up with his chain coming off and rear derailleur hitting his spokes.

Chris Blending In Perfectly With The Background !

On the very steepest bit of Trundelgate he had to stop in front of me.

Many times Chris has helped other riders when they have mechanicals.

He has gone back down hills to help and stopped the main group from heading off into the distance.

He has paid his dues many times over. He had a right to expect some help from his colleagues.

But we were on the steepest bit.

I pretended I hadn't noticed and carried on.

Well he was wearing camouflage !

That was a tough slog for me going up Trundlegate with a reasonable head wind and I was glad to get to the top and also glad to see Chris make it with his faulty machinery ( no thanks to me ! ).

At the top of Trundlegate at the junction with Burgate there was something written in chalk on the road. This was in preparation for the upcoming Tour De Yorkshire which would see the professional peloton ride past this very spot.

What did it say? How were the good people of the East Riding of Yorkshire going to welcome legends of the cycling world like Bradley Wiggins, Marcel Kittel and Tommy Voeckler?

" GIZ A CROGGY "

I have to confess I had no idea what a " croggy " was. Maybe this is because I am from Lancashire?

When I came through passport control to get into Yorkshire the citizenship test never included the word "croggy".

Can you imagine the conversation between Marcel Kittel and Brad Wiggins

" Was ist das !? " Giz a Croggy " "

"It means " I would appreciate it if I may ride on the handlebars of your bicycle whilst you pedal old chap " "

" Ah you British always making ze jokes ! "

RUN FOR HOME

 

After Trundlegate I got in a little group with Ian, Carol, Gary and Ben as we approached Little Weighton. Ian was leading. As is usual I let him do it.

Ben Comes By

It's a lot harder in front you know.

Carol dropped back a little bit and then shouted

" I need a wee !! "

Oh for crying out loud Carol couldn't you have gone before we came out ?!

Oh, " I need a wheel ! " that's what she said. I wondered how many more mishearing gags I could put in the blog. Plenty more I think.

Carol Comes By

At the bottom of the dip into Little Weighton there is then a sharp rise that takes you out.

Keep that momentum from the downhill stretch, get it in the right gear and give it the beans!

Annoyingly Ben came past like I was standing still.

Carol also came back and gave it a dig.

Once over the crest there is the run in to Skidby and the traditional sprint past the 30 mph sign.

Ian Comes By

Ian caught up Ben as did I by default because I was behind Ian.

Ian would give it a go past the sign so I courageously let him and followed as close as I could.

This was one of the few occasions when I have been in the very top gear and could not physically turn my legs over any faster.

Also a downhill bit that I actually enjoyed. Wonders never cease.

BACK TO COTTINGHAM AND THEN BARTON

As is usual the group had got rather broken up on the run in for home so we waited at the Olive Gardens for a while for a few more to come in.

Carol tried again to get me to do the CTC ride implying I was a wimp for not doing it.

" You are a wimp ! " Ok she actually said it to my face. I remember now.

But there was no chance I was going to do it. When I am on nights I am like a zombie.

Cycling 7 miles is unthinkable, let alone 75.

So I headed back to Barton at a leisurely pace. The final distance for the day would be 58 miles. Very respectable nothing to be ashamed about there.

It was time to start turning my thoughts to the Tour De Yorkshire sportive. This was going to be a really good milestone for me in preparing for a 100 mile ride.

67 miles in the Yorkshire countryside with 3 monster climbs and numerous other just plain scary climbs.

But right now this weekend that was it.  For me the war was over.

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